Authenticity Is a Gift: Who Knew?
| January 23, 2012 | Posted by Jenny Ann Fraser under ADHD, Feast... |
Yes I know. My last post was about Authenticity too. But since this is what I happen to be thinking about, a lot, it is what I write about too…
When the word Authenticity chose to be my word for 2012, I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. (And yes, I did intentionally write that the word chose me because this is what happened.)
Im not sure what I expected. My plan had been to focus on learning how to be more authentic, but I hadn’t realized that this was actually a somewhat complex puzzle that needed to be solved. This is good news by the way because this is exactly my favourite kind of puzzle. I especially like the part where I get all confused and muddled so I obsess until I figure it out. I havent reached the completely confused stage yet, but I am only 3 weeks in and I can already feel it coming.
What I love, is that people are asking me questions that are forcing me to look at it from new perspectives and Im realizing that the more I delve into it, the more there will be to delve into. It is kind of like finding treasure. Enough of it in fact that it could take much longer than a year to sort out exactly what I have won, and Im fine with that.
As I wrote in my last post, I have found that being authentic in my writing has proven to be the way to go. Allowing my true self to come out through my words has been met with love and support for which I am forever grateful.
I suppose that some less trusting individuals might assume that I have simply been lucky (lets face it, I am no Leo Babuta when it comes to subscription numbers) but I am pretty sure this is not the case. I am beginning to realize that most of us crave and respect true authenticity in others, even if were afraid to be authentic ourselves.
Of course this is not always the case, and there is often someone around who will not appreciate your particlar authenticity. But if youre hiding your true self, you can always find someone who will not appreciate who your pretending to be. See, we can pretty much be rejected by someone regardless of whether were real or not. Being real not only requires less energy, but it has got to be the only chance well ever have of being truly happy.
I spent much of my earlier life attempting to fit into the proverbial box because I was convinced that this was the only way that I would ever be worthy, or loveable. This erroneous thinking was extra torture because I can’t even find the box let alone fit into it. And now, I finally understand that the reason I could not find the box is not because Im some sort of deficient sub-human… It is because Im not supposed to.
I think that a big reason for my lack of self-worth in my youth comes from being talented at many things and somehow baffled by ordinary day to day life management. This is not due to lack of intelligence, motivation, or skills. This is because my whacky ADHD brain more often than not refuses to cooperate and allow me to concentrate on things that I have little or no interest in regardless of how important those things are. When I do not have enough stimulation, my brain becomes a slow, thick foggy place where basic things like remembering the order of the alphabet become a challenge. This brain also has grave difficulty organizing anything, from thoughts to socks, and I have pretty much zero interest in spending my free time engaging in tasks that feel like mental torture. I have my job for that.
(*Note: If you are reading this and thinking that all I need is to grow up and grow some discipline… remember, it wouldnt be classified as a disorder if I could simply turn it off by trying. )
It makes me laugh a little that one of the most constant criticisms I have heard from others all of my life, (including just last week) is that I have too many interests and I should just focus on, fill in the blank with something boring enough to make even an ordinary person want to dig their eyeballs out with a spoon.
It turns out, that it is a damn good thing that I have so many interests, because without them, my brain would go on permanent strike. I would lose my ability to maintain a job, and consequently lose my home. I would then have to leave the city and go be homeless in the woods somewhere and Id probably end up getting eaten alive by a bear or a pack of coyotes because Im not paying attention.
I am probably only still here because I have so many interests, helped by the fact that my neighborhood is predator free.
Thank God I finally understand this, and thank God I have finally stopped trying to hide from the world because of it. It makes such sense to me now that my best shot at any success or lasting happiness in this life does not lie in pretending to be anything other than who I am. Especially since I can hardly pretend to be a normal organized, domesticated human being when Im actually kind of feral.
I read a fantastic book this week, which Im not going to write about because it is currently blowing my mind. Being your authentic self is recurring topic in the book. In a list of people who have attained great success through being their unique, authentic selves as opposed to copies of what we think were supposed to be, the name Allie Brosh came up.
Drawing of Allie Brosh by Allie Brosh
If you have never encountered Allie Brosh’s blog Hyperbole and a Half you should. Unless of course, you dont enjoy laughing or tend to faint at the sight of the occasional appropriately placed F-bomb.
What I love about Allie’s Hyperbole and a Half, is that no matter what my mood, I can wander over to Allie’s blog and read posts guaranteed to make me laugh out loud.
My all time favourite post is This Is Why Ill Never Be an Adult. which paints an awesomely accurate and hilarious picture complete with drawings and diagrams, of… My Life!
But shes writing about hers… (Oddly enough, we both have ADHD.) Allie Brosh has definitely made it to my list of heros.
Here is someone writing hilarious accounts of daily struggles that I spent much of my life trying to hide out of shame. Now Allie Brosh has what I assume is a pretty darned lucrative contract with Touchstone for sharing exactly what I hid for so long, and being completely honest about it. Ally Brosh is a perfect example of why we should all be less afraid to be real.
Being herself, right down to writing stories about her serious struggles with depression has not only led her to be able to make a living doing what she is brilliant at, it has also proven that it is not so unusual for people to struggle with these things. Knowing that Im not alone or unique in my struggles sure makes it easier to accept myself the way that I am and I imagine that it helps others too.
Add to that, the reality that she is struggling proves that we shouldn’t wait until we are perfect before we show ourselves to the world. We probably shouldn’t even wait until were less flawed, because, it turns out that living authentically is a gift to both ourselve, and the world.
Which leads to the question: What are we denying ourselves and the world when we are not truly ourselves? How in the hell do we figure out who our authentic self really is, and how do stay true to that?
Part Two of Authenticity Is a Gift: Who Knew? When I figure out the answer to the how questions. (Please be patient. This could take some time.:p)
You have a real gift for writing Jennie. I love how you have grown into yourself, just as I have. No more trying to fit into any boxes! We cannot be contained!
Thank you so much Kate!
You are so right. We cannot be contained… and the world would be a poorer place if we were.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hi Jenny,
I’m starting to hit the confusion about exactly what ‘Authentic’ means that you mention at the start of your blog. I think it was Jung who described the dark side, the hidden side of our character. So much of our internal battles are between our dark side and our light side. To oversimplify our dark side being the ‘red in tooth and claw’ side of Nature, our inner beast. While our light side representing Grace, our spiritual side which aspires to Love, Compassion, Truth. For me there seems to be a perfectly good reason why we hide our dark side, if we revealed it we would find ourselves very alone. So the confusion for me, is that in being our Authentic self, does that mean we bring our dark side into the light. That we introduce it to society, and say well actually this is who I am, or at least who I can be?
Or does being our Authentic self simply mean ‘Acceptance’. That we finally accept our shadow self, and our internal conflicts, but keep our dark side hidden?
I think that because we all wear a mask, we take the mask as the true person, and believe that we are the only one who might be different beneath the surface.
I think that being our Authentic self is something that I need to deepen my understanding, and I thank you for your posts and the curiosity and interest it has aroused.
I would say that being authentic is about acceptance of where you are right now. If that “dark side” is impeding my own growth, or negatively affecting others, then I have to do something about it. I have to be honest with myself, (which is absolutely necessary in order to be authentic) I can’t solve a problem that I’m not willing to face.
Here is an example: Hopefully you read “This Is Why I’ll Never Be an Adult” and you can see that there is a certain amount of chaos that seems to envelope the life of many ADHDers. Now, in my case, I work to try to keep my world organized, but having reached the wise-old-age of 42 and having had years and years of therapy where I learned fantastic methods that make me much more effective in my life, I still descend into chaos on a regular basis.
In the past, I would fall into a depression every time this happened because I would see it as proof that I am a great big loser who will never be able to accomplish anything. (That Jenny Ann Fraser would never have started a blog in a million years.) The real source of that depression was the fact that I took on the judgments of others, (neat is good, messy is bad) as truth.
Finally, I learned that “hello” obviously I was not sent to this world to be a domestic Goddess, nobody is going to die because of this, so why am I wasting my time struggling to be great at something I have absolutely no aptitude for? And why should I feel bad about my lack of aptitude since this wasn’t something I chose? This is something that I have worked very, very hard to improve, I’ve given my best. I’m done feeling bad about it.
But guess what? I won’t invite a neat freak into my home when I am in a chaos phase because most people do not understand, and why would I bother bringing the negative judgment of others into my life? I am not lacking authenticity because I do this. I am not pretending that I’m someone I’m not, I’m simply not wasting my time expecting others to accept what they might not be capable of accepting. Not showing off my mess is not the same as hiding it. I’ll say, “no I can’t have anyone over because my place is a mess,” or, maybe I’ll just think it, but I am facing my own reality. It would be a bit ridiculous to expect everyone else to accept it too.
If your “dark side” includes breaking into peoples houses to drink their hand lotion and steal their underwear while they sleep, and you can’t stop, then being authentic would mean saying, “wow, I can’t get any control of my hand lotion drinking and underwear thievery, so I’m going to admit that I need to ask for help. That would be authentic. “I can’t do this. I need help.” As opposed to, I’m going to pretend this problem doesn’t exist.
If you really have hand lotion drinking and underwear thievery problem, or even just one of those two problems, broadcasting your crimes and need for help might make you unemployable in the future. so it would be prudent to be careful who you confide in, but that never means don’t confide in anyone.
Thank you Jerry! I love how your questions and comments force me to delve even deeper.
Jenny
Thanks Jenny, you really nailed it for me this time. If I can summarise the insight you have given me it is that our ‘Authentic’ self is our ‘Honest’ self. To be ‘Authentic’ then is to be honest with your self in accepting who you are, and not striving to be someone different. With regard to our shadow self, it is being honest about the hidden thoughts, words, and actions that we should banish from our lives, and seek help when we are unable to help ourselves. It is also about being honest with others and telling them that their acceptance of who we are is not conditional, that we are the whole package, and we will not detract or add to our personality to please them.
With regard to my hand lotion drinking and underwear thievery. I promise to try drinking yoghurt and give all the underwear back…..soon!
I think I got there in the end Jenny, thanks for your patience and let me know if there are any errors in my summary.
Hi Jerry,
)
Awesome summary. You actually clarified it for me somewhat.
The thing is, that I am no expert on Authenticity. The word chose me because it is what I need to work on. I’m figuring it out as I go, drawing on what I have learned from past experiences.
For example, when I began writing I didn’t say, “I’m going to be really authentic.” It didn’t occur to me that I was being authentic until I discovered Brene Brown, and realized that without being aware of what was happening, I had already experienced some of what she was talking about. (By the way, she could probably teach you much more in her 2 20 minute Ted speeches than I can in a few thousand words, and she’s actually qualified
As I write this though, I realize, that authenticity, might be like the English language. Lot’s of rules, all of which need to be bent, or even broken in order for it to work.
For example: To be ‘Authentic’ then is to be honest with your self in accepting who you are, and not striving to be someone different. Exactly! Except for the fact that you don’t want to confuse being authentic with being limited. I might be a real slob right now, and I accept that I am really not wired for neatness and may never improve much.I do this now, (finally) without have to feel bad or ashamed about myself, while I still try to improve. (In this case if I gave up… “shudder”, I hate to think about how that might turn out.
It is also about being honest with others and telling them that their acceptance of who we are is not conditional, that we are the whole package, and we will not detract or add to our personality to please them.
I would say “Dead on,” to that with lots of exceptions…
Again, that could be used as an excuse not to push ourselves to grow and that would be worse than hiding I think, especially for the world. It can’t be used as an excuse for behavior that is hurtful or destructive. The negative behavior would be this “shadow side” I guess, and that’s the part that needs to be healed. We all have it, and part of our work here is to work towards greater health; again, not to to attain perfection, but to grow. The point is to improve from where we are today, and I firmly believe now that if we genuinely commit to that, then we will really be doing our best, and that is the most anyone is really capable of. Trying is the important part. If we all tried, we could fix the world. We might all individually fail, but our tiny combined efforts might just be all we need to succeed.
I pretend all day long at work. If I was truly “authentic” at work I’d end up moving out to the woods for sure. Obviously, I am working towards a career where I can be authentic, (I used to have one of those so I know it’s totally possible.) but for the time being, rent must be paid.
What I won’t do, is I won’t do anything that goes against my values that can negatively impact others. If that ended up costing me my job, so be it, but better to lose my job than to lose my self worth. I’ve lived without both things and unemployment is a breeze in comparison to having no self worth… even when hungry and I’ve been there too.
I have also been known not to say what I think when with others, even when I believe in something really strongly. I don’t pretend that I agree with something that I don’t, but I also see no point in getting into debates with people who just won’t get it. It just creates tension and friction with no positive outcome. Trust me on this, it took about 41.70 years to figure it out and life has become a hell of a lot more peaceful. You cannot convince someone out of their wrong ideas if they are absolutely unwilling to budge, so work to convince people who are interested in being convinced. In the long run, that will have a greater impact. Arguing with idiots is completely unproductive.
Now here’s another interesting twist. In regards to the hand lotion drinking and underwear stealing: (and by the way: thank you for inspiring me to create an opportunity to use the word thievery in a sentence. It’s not every day that you get to do that.)
I’m no doctor so I am making an assumption when I say that drinking hand lotion is bad for your health, but I’ll bet it is not good so it’s probably a good thing to give it up. Now if you were to give up stealing other people’s underwear, and buy your own collection that would be just fine. It is probably not “socially acceptable” to have an underwear collection, but if it doesn’t hurt anyone else (or the planet ideally,) and it impacts you in a positive way then go for it and have a blast! Again, maybe you wouldn’t want to brag about it at a job interview, we should certainly maintain our privacy. Just not due to shame.
Wow. I thought this was going to be a short reply. This is just too great a conversation to pass up! I should get busy promoting this blog so that we can get more people involved. I don’t think that we spend nearly enough of our time engaging in intense dialogue and I think we really need to.
Thank you!
OMG!! How very well said!! I feel like you just jumped inside my head and pulled out my thoughts and pasted them here! I so agree and thank you for sharing!
Hello, and thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment! I suspect that many of us feel this way. The more we talk/write/think about it, the more we will all become more authentic. This I believe would probably help to heal the world.
“See, we can pretty much be rejected by someone regardless of whether were real or not. Being real not only requires less energy, but it has got to be the only chance well ever have of being truly happy.”
That was my favorite part. It’s so true and yet we always take the illogical route of not being ourselves–and risking being disliked for being a fake! Haha.
You always have thought-provoking posts, Jenny, and I am glad you are your authentic self here. It is far more interesting than any fake you you could be. As far as those last questions, they are a head scratcher. I don’t know the answer to them either. I’ll be working on them, too.
Thanks for the great post, and I hope life is finding you and your family well! Much love to you!
Hello Ollin,
You always put such a smile on my face! (Loving the new pic too!)
Yeah, the last questions are a puzzle that might take a lifetime to solve. So, it’s a good thing that I started now.:)
I didn’t realize that this would be so very deep, but I am loving it totally! It is like hunting for treasure, with all sorts of fabulous treasure clues along the way.
I’d love to hear about your experience and anything that you come up with…
Thanks so much for dropping by.
Much love,
Jenny